Blurred: On Pharmaceuticals and Grad School (Foucault can’t help you, baby)
Posted By Hinda Mandell on November 10, 2009
(Photo courtesy of Simone Becque)
By Faigel
I have to write this quickly. If I don’t, my Ambien will kick in, causing me to forfeit a significant portion of my hand-eye coordination (which, let’s be honest, was not all that impressive to begin with. Cut to me playing catch with my father in the backyard. Cut to the ball hitting me in the face. End scene for the little faigeleh).
I didn’t really need to take an Ambien tonight. I probably would have fallen asleep fine without it. You see, I am not currently in the midst of one of my insomnia bouts. They come and they go, lasting for invariant amounts of time. I feel like anyone in graduate school can relate to this except the Maidel, who could probably fall asleep if the world outside her bedroom window was blowing up.
But graduate school is where this all happened for the Faigel, folks. Before graduate school, sure, I used standard OTC drugs for migraines and muscle pains, and even prescription ones when I had my wisdom teeth removed at age 16. But other than that I was basically clean, that is until I began my coursework towards my master’s degree in television, radio and film studies.
Pursuing an advanced degree is physically and mentally taxing.
Yes, graduate school: Side effects include sleeplessness, hives, crying fits, stress, acute onset anxiety, panic attacks, shortness of breath, social awkwardness, self-doubt, self-loathing, self-hatred, depression, feelings of isolation or boredom, a general sense of ennui and superiority, laziness, excessive weight gain and/or loss (either way, you can kiss that bangin’ body goodbye), and recreational drug use. This last side effect is what I’d like to focus on.
While most recreational drug use in grad school is limited to alcohol consumption and the occasional THC high, sometimes these mini-“escapations” don’t do the trick. That’s when it’s time to bring out the RX-pad. In this case, there’s long-term depression treatment (“Do you find yourself in a sinking black hole of sadness from which you can’t escape? … Also, don’t forget to write that Marxist critique of ‘Sesame Street.’”). There are anxiety attacks and panic disorders (“Do you find yourself sweating and ill-at-ease in large groups or intimate conversations? … Since this is a grad seminar, you’ll be expected to do most the talking. Please make points so I can invalidate them and remind you of your lowly grad-student status, pig.”). And last, but not least, there’s insomnia (“Do you suffer from sleeplessness night after night? … Ironically, the only time I can sleep is when I pick up Foucault … Foucault my life.”).
People I know with advanced degrees laugh and smile when they learn my thoughts on grad school. I’m not sure if they’re nostalgically reflecting on their own experiences or if they’re merely happy they made it out alive the first time. Either way, everyone reminds me that it’s a rite of passage, that it should be challenging, that these feelings are completely normal. I’m not so convinced, but I’m in the thick of it.
Also, I have a paper due for my queer studies class, literally hundreds of pages of material to read for my advanced qualitative class, and some original scholarship to present at a conference in Chicago later this week.
I’m overwhelmed, happy, flustered, caffeinated, laughing, and on the verge of becoming cosmically unhinged. Doctor, what do you suggest?
[...] As we all know, benzoates are highly addictive. Those who regularly pop ‘em require increased doses for the same effect. In my case, I argue, the effect is minimal to being with. So, when I’m 30,000 feet above blessed land I feed myself a steady diet of the anti-anxiety meds even before the flight attendant comes around with the beverage cart. Regardless, four milligrams of Ativan over eight hours has little effect on my body. “Oh, that’s normal,” says the Faigel. [...]
What can I do if my boyfriend has an anxiety attack? He hasn’t had issues since I met him (four months from now), in the past he has endured a lot due to anxiety, and he still needs medication. He’s currently nowadays (looking for a home, grad school, etc…) and even though I reckon he’ll be fine, he warned me in advanced that , or have an anxiety attack. What can I do?