Man Talk
Posted By Hinda Mandell on November 8, 2009
(Photo courtesy of Simone Becque)
By Faigel
The Maidel and I have vastly different tastes in men. While I tend to be broad-minded and flexible (pun intended?) about my choice in romantic partners, the Maidel is not. She has one very specific criterion that all her boyfriends –past, present, and future – must meet: emotional unavailability.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think this is because the Maidel is actively choosing these kinds of guys. I don’t think she sits across from a potential partner on a first date, her brown eyes blinking behind her Lafont frames, firing off questions like, “Were you emotionally abused as child?” or “Did your last girlfriend leave you irreparably damaged?” or even “Are you married to god and/or the Church?” (Note: if you, the reader, can answer “yes” to any of these questions, please contact the Maidel immediately. She will be delighted.)
Perhaps it’s the emotional complexity that the Maidel craves. But maybe, just maybe, these situations, constantly in need of negotiation and diffusion, somehow nourish the Maidel’s high IQ and Ivy League background. Maybe for the Maidel, more unavailability signifies more of a challenge – something to work for.
Or perhaps the Maidel is actually in love with Nigel, her loyal Lhasa Apso, to whom no man might ever measure up.
Next week Nigel and the Maidel have a playdate with an English bulldog and her nice lesbian mommy.
“Maidel, does she know you’re straight?” I demanded when I learned of the date, reminiscing on my own is-he-or-isn’t-he experiences.
“No, do I need to tell her?”
Oh, the Maidel. They’re registering at Birkenstock.
By Maidel
Today was a day of great relief for the Faigel. His crush – let’s call him Shmuley – just celebrated his 20th birthday, thereby officially pushing Shmuley out of teenagehood and into his twenties.
See, the Faigel, 28, tends to go for guys who are on the young end of the 20-something demographic. Young as in can’t rent a car. Can’t legally throw back a few Sam Adams. Young as in they haven’t yet done the study abroad thing. And young as in they’re still hooking up with closeted frat guys.
The poor Faigel gets the rough end of the stick. He can wax poetic about the interplay between power and the social discourse of the male body, but when you put him in front of a waxed 19 to 22-year-old he begins babbling about body paint. Yet the Faigel acknowledges that his interest in the fresh-faced makes him feel old. (Personally, I like to date older guys – by at least a decade – which makes me feel young and fresh. But that doesn’t quite work out either. See Faigel, above). I’ve attempted to no avail to get Faigel to date college graduates. But he likes them young and spicy. I like them past their sell-by-date. If you were to average our romantic interests you’d get something perfectly ripe.
But that would be too reasonable.
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